, ____, ( 22/12/01 anada493 , / \ ,_____ (--|_\_,,_, _ _| _ __________ ,-.______ _,---._ __ _/ \ / \+------ _| ) | |(_|(_|(_|_ .net------/ )----.-' `./-/ \ / / ( |__, ( ( ,' `/ /| \ / "A Biased Guide to \ `-" \'\ / | \ Australian Politics (Election Diary)" `. , \ \ / | Y-------- ----------/`. ,'-`----Y | / by AlterEcho ( ; mEoW!@/| ' i________________________________________________| ,-. ,-'_______/ | / | | | ( * | / |____________________ Anada is cat-friendly! __) |__\ `.___________|/ `--' `--' [Thursday, November 7, 2001] So, I was talking to Canadian friend of mine the other day - Bu Joe, of Destruction of Civilisation fame - and I indicated to him that this Saturday, all of us Aussie adults would be taking to the polls for our federal election. To my surprise, he had no idea that we would in fact hopefully be replacing our current pathetic government with something a little bit less, umm what's the word? - fucked up. But since I'm really a tolerant person, I reckon I should give you a quick run down of the six major parties running the election. Take it away, AlterEcho! Australian Labour Party ======================= Three years ago, at the last election, the ALP was marginally screwed out of victory, despite receiving the largest portion of the primary vote. This time round, it looks like their luck hasn't changed. The ALP has gone from an unbackable favourite to an uncertain struggler in just under three months. With the sudden rush of boat people to our shores and the `War Against Terrorism' as it is known, independent polling shows the uneducated hoi polloi leaving the Labour Party in droves to hop into bed with the Liberal Party. Still, the Labour Party has focused heavily on domestic issues, including their two favourites - health and education - with a firm emphasis on the latter. But really, what else was there for the ALP leader - affectionately known as Jabba the Hutt - to campaign about, with the Labour and Liberal parties adopting a bi-partisan approach to international issues. Liberal Party of Australia ========================== While the leader of the opposition suffers under curse of Jabba, the current Prime Minister can't be said to be doing much better. `Old Eyebrows' is the face of the Liberal party, and the current face of the nation. And blimey, it's no wonder the country is going to the dogs. With the co-alition of the Liberal party and the National party narrowly reinstated at the last election, Old Eyebrows took that as a ringing endorsement of his proposed GST. And yes, it cannot be doubted that the introduction of the new tax was a huge success. Why, the number of small businesses that went bankrupt! The mountains and mountains of paperwork! The amazing bias it showed towards those in the upper tax brackets! Verily, I salute the Liberal Party of Australia! It appears that the GST took all of the government's creativity and brain power, because this time around, the Liberal's ain't got NO policies. Oh, sorry, I believe they're throwing money at the old folk and young families. And hey, I almost believed that they cared. National Party of Australia =========================== Ah, the Liberal party's bedfellows. The Nationals run exclusively in regional areas and campaign strongly for improvements to services in the bush, but really, you just get the feeling that the Liberals are happy to get the free seats. We definitely know who's wearing the pants in that relationship. Sure, the deputy PM might be the leader of the National party, but that's like saying that the Kangaroos almost finished in the top half of the AFL ladder last season. It means Scottish Football Association. Australian Democrats ==================== You get the feeling that the Democrats are really gonna suffer this time round. Despite holding the balance of power in the Senate, they allowed the GST to be implemented after backing down on a number of amendments. And despite a new (and rather sexy leader), it seems doubtful that the public has forgotten that the Democrats failed to do what they always promised - to keep the bastards honest. Australian Greens ================= If people weren't a bunch of arrogant fuckfaces, everyone would be voting Greens. While this may be as much a description as you need, let me elaborate. The Greens believe in social justice and environmentalism. Unfortunately, this kind of hippy, tree-hugging crap just doesn't cut it in today's society. One Nation ========== Well, I wouldn't exactly say that One Nation was a major party, but they sure warrant a mention. One Nation is the true redneck party. If you like guns, don't like blacks or Asians, and you're currently fucking your sister, One Nation is for YOU! (No wonder they poll so well in Queensland.) Despite being plagued by legal problems and a general lack of any sort of brain power (I believe their fiscal policy reads something like this: "Print more money"), the scariest thing is that the distinction between this party and the Liberal party grows more indistinct than ever. And all I got to say about that is: "Please explain?" The Verdict =========== Well, that's my wrap-up of the parties. I think I kept my own personal opinions out of that dissertation, but I would like to say that if you do vote for the Liberal party I will personally hunt you down and err, do something nasty to you. Yeah. Well, here's what the people who know (ie. me) think about the result on Saturday. Fingers crossed for the Democrats or Greens to hold the balance of power in the Upper House, with Labour winning by a couple of eyebrow hairs. I've got a few bad feelings, but hey, I've always been a paranoid git. [*****] [Saturday, November 11, 2300 hours] Well, from the sounds of the television in the next room, Jabba the Hutt has conceded defeat. Once again, the WCW Alliance has triumphed over the WWF, and boy, does that suck. They say it's not a democracy if the people voting are uninformed, but don't quote me on that, because I haven't done much study for my Constitutional Law exam on Monday. Please, someone kill me before Old Eyebrows takes to the microphone. Any of you people lucky enough not to be Australian got spare rooms? Email me. /\___/\ ____________________________________________________________ /\___/\ \ -.- / \ -.- / `-.^.-' (c) 2001 Anada e'zine by AlterEcho `-.^.-' /"\ ________________________________________________________________ /"\