,            ____,         (                     01/09/01  anada422  ,
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  \ /             "Rethinking Being"              `.              ,  \ \ /  |
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  /                 by The Corpse                 (            ; mEoW!@/|   '
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   |____________________ Anada is cat-friendly! __)  |__\  `.___________|/
                                                  `--'   `--'

        The past few weeks have found me returning to the man I used to be,
 or, to be accurate, becoming a new man with many resemblances to who I used
 to be.  I've all but given up on image, falling back into my old patterns of
 t-shirts (preferably adorned with witty slogans or band logos), jeans, and
 untamed hair.  I've invested a lot of time in reading about and listening to
 (especially listening to) heavy metal, which I've loved since I was 11 or
 so.  I read as much as I always have, but now I cram even more ingestion of
 literature into my day than I have in the recent past.  I daydream about
 roleplaying games, conspiracy theories, and random crap.  I dial into BBSes
 and stay up late talking to people on ICQ, even though I'm aware that I have
 to get up and go to work the next day.  In short, I have more or less ceased
 trying to be cool and re-embraced the geeky lifestyle I've lived on and off
 since I first showed up on this planet.

        Why this is, I don't really know.  I think that part of it has to do
 with the fact that I've got a girlfriend and she accepts me for what I am.
 As lame as that sounds, it really does have meaning; I've dated too many
 girls who claimed to 'appreciate' me, but really didn't like a lot of what
 made me me.  I'm extremely grateful that I've got a girlfriend who can live
 with me and simultaneously expect nothing from me but myself.

        However, it's not only my girlfriend.  At the core of it all, it's
 me.  I've been out of college for three and a half months, and I've realized
 that, at least temporarily, I have absolutely nobody to impress.  This is a
 good thing.  My boss doesn't care what I look like for the most part, and
 since I've got the girl and job bases covered, I feel relaxed enough to
 revert to slacker mode and revel in things I've always enjoyed.  Despite all
 the style and class that some people attribute to me, I am, at heart, a
 skinny nerd with bad posture and no real social aspirations.  I've known
 this for a long time, but until now I've found myself experimenting with
 other approaches to life.  At the moment -- and I say that because there are
 no guarantees that I won't become enthralled by some other mode of life in
 the future -- I feel that focusing on intellectual and theoretical matters
 is primary, as compared to, say, making sure my hair's greased properly and
 that I look ten times cooler than anyone else in the area.

        Boiled down to its basics, I reckon I'm trying to simply say that I'm
 leading a more relaxed, comfortable life than I was a few months ago.  I'm
 not making any attempts -- or at least not as many -- at overwhelming people
 with my coolness or any other aspect of my personality.  I'm just trying to
 enjoy things I've neglected, to one degree or another, for a while, and
 advance my state of psychospiritual evolution in the process.  It's less
 taxing when you give in to who you really are (or believe you are), and it
 gives you the time and perspective to examine your existence and think about
 things differently.

        What this has to do with anyone else, I don't know.  Maybe I'm
 suggesting that everyone stop pretending or trying so hard and just do what
 they want in terms of thought, dress, action, and belief.  Maybe I'm saying
 nothing at all.  When you get down to the existential essentials, after all,
 it's up to you do find meaning in things.  That's what I'm trying to, and as
 of now, it's a pretty enjoyable process.

 /\___/\ ____________________________________________________________ /\___/\
 \ -.- /                                                              \ -.- /
 `-.^.-' (c) 2001 Anada e'zine                          by The Corpse `-.^.-'
   /"\ ________________________________________________________________ /"\