,            ____,         (                     04/08/01  anada409  ,
   / \  ,_____  (--|_\_,,_, _  _| _    __________ ,-.______ _,---._ __ _/ \
  /   \+------    _|  ) | |(_|(_|(_|_  .net------/  )----.-'       `./-/   \
 /    /          (        |__,                  (  (   ,'            `/    /|
 \   /                                           \  `-"             \'\   / |
  \ /           "What Were You Asking?"           `.              ,  \ \ /  |
   Y--------                             ----------/`.          ,'-`----Y   |
  /                 by Airman Opus                (            ; mEoW!@/|   '
 i________________________________________________|  ,-.    ,-'_______/ |  /
   |                                              |  | (   *            | /
   |____________________ Anada is cat-friendly! __)  |__\  `.___________|/
                                                  `--'   `--'

        someday I'm going to ask one of those people for whom everything
 seems to work out fine just what their problem really is.  I don't feel fine
 and happy, my back is to the wall.  six months without a job, and
 unemployment just ran out, and without the 40mg of celexa I swallow every
 morning, I'd probably be dead by now.  I've managed to convince myself that
 yes, I am worth something to the world, I have skills.  so why can't I
 convince anyone else... actually, why can't I even ask anyone else?  it's
 not that no one thinks I'm valuable, well it might be, but it's that I
 haven't asked anyone lately.  I'm afraid, I think, to hear that I'm not.
 afraid that somehow, the world passed me by while I've been in my depressed
 state.

        where does inspiration come from?  I read about famous people who
 rose from being a street kid to become the ceo of a multinational
 conglomerate, or the guy with amazing talent that came from nowhere to build
 some cool internet widget and make millions.  I'm not those people... I just
 like computers, and I do a decent job of making them work right.  so who is
 my hero?  I don't have one.  who should my hero be?  I don't know.  all I
 know is that everybody else's heroes don't seem to inspire me.

        I feel numb.  that's not what I should feel, "they" say... I should
 feel sad, angry, i should swear on my life that I'll never let this happen
 to me again. I should feel worried.  I should panic.  but I can't, and I
 don't know why.  it might be the medication, or maybe it's just me, I don't
 know.  I don't care. what makes people care?  what drives them to go ahead
 and live life?  I used to know, and somewhere along the line I lost it.  if
 you find it, please let me know. I've looked everywhere, and it's just not
 turning up.

        screw you if you feel good.  screw you if you feel anything, because
 I don't.  today is another day, like any other, and tomorrow will feel the
 same way, and I'm continuing on, being not worth anything to anybody.
 sitting at my computer alone, typing my feelings to no one, hoping that
 somehow, doing so will give me some sort of inspiration, that I'll all of a
 sudden jump out of  my chair with the answer.  what was the question again?
 was I angry?  no, it's not me against the world; should it be?  do I not
 care? isn't that the whole problem?

 /\___/\ ____________________________________________________________ /\___/\
 \ -.- /                                                              \ -.- /
 `-.^.-' (c) 2001 Anada e'zine                        by Airman Opus  `-.^.-'
   /"\ ________________________________________________________________ /"\