.............................................. .* * \ /\ .* O . . .. ..O .. 348 05 May 2001 ) ( ') .* O O* o o o o o o o ( / ) * ***O O O O O O O O O \( _)| * O o o.*..o.*..o.*..o. .net "Bad Seed" * * O * *. o |\ _,,,---,,_ * * /,`.-'`' -. ;-;;,_ * * |,4- ) )-,_..;\ ( `'-' by AphexTwin23 * * '---''(_/--' `-'\_) *mE0w* o *. .......................................* 'Anada is cat-friendly..o*` I used to go to school and enjoy it. Friends were everything and guys meant nothing. I would go to my job just for the sake of having money. I would go out to eat just because I was hungry. I would walk in a park just because I wanted to. I was a happy go lucky child and the world was full of rainbows and puppy dogs. I didn't know what life was about and I didn't really care because I loved it. I loved the rush I felt when he walked by me, whoever *he* was at the time. I loved the high I got from doing something I knew was wrong although, at that time in my life, I didn't do anything real wrong. Everything was fun and if I ever lost interest then I could just as easily find something else to make me smile. There was once a time when everything was perfect. The skies were blue. The flowers smelled so sweet. The air rushing by my face felt like heaven. Life was so beautiful. Now though, the skys are dark. My senses have died. And life sucks. Our knowledge of the world comes through our senses. Certain wavelengths stimulate our eyes. No longer can I see the beauty of nature. No longer can I see anything. I am blind. Certain vibrations in the air help us to hear but the birds have stopped chirping and bees have stopped buzzing. The senses in our skin help us to feel but I have broken away from reality and won't allow anyone to touch me. I have become my own worst enemy. I look at the houses as I walk down this path and I only see shapes. I see squares, hexagons, triangles, and circles. Everything is either a shape or exactly what it is. I function like a machine. I only see what I am doing. I see myself typing, I see myself driving. This is a computer, this is a car, these are my fingers, these are my hands. I can't appreciate anything anymore because I've become a machine. A walking and talking machine. I opened up one of the doors to perception and now it's too late to ever close it because I lost the key. The patterns of energies become know as objects, events, people, and other aspects of the world. Although we see color and light that is not what stimulates our eyes to see. As well as the fact that there is no music or noise in what stimulates us to hear. And because my perception has been opened up so much everything has become one. What I see is what I hear and what I feel is what I see. I was once able to feel my body. I was once able to feel what I was doing. I can't do that anymore. Because everything has become one. Everything has molted together and has become one. I am looking through someone else's eyes. I can't see because these are not my eyes that I see through. I am looking into and seeing someone else's life. I am no longer a part of reality because I can no longer feel. I have now broken away from reality completely. But the real question is... what exactly is reality? This life that has no purpose? A human being that I don't even know? I continue to ask myself if I am crazy. That has got to be the answer to this. Or maybe I'm just manic-depressive. Maybe I'm legally insane. Maybe I'm bipolar. Maybe I'm schizophrenic. Maybe I am everything. Maybe I'm fuckin God. Why should I have to be the one to know when no one else will give me an answer. I've now come to an understanding with myself. At least I can still think. But is it even me thinking? I don't even know. I know now why I find interest in nothing. Someone will tell me about their fantastic day of walking in parks and playing basketball. They will describe in great detail about the beautiful weather or how exactly they felt when he touched their face. But it just doesn't interest me. Because I have experienced so much more that nothing can compare to it. Nothing can satisfy me more than a past experience I have had. I can actually say that I saw color. I saw adventure. I saw beauty. Nothing compares to it. I know now that nothing in my future will satisfy me. I will continue living seeing only the rough, sharp edges on objects because I have already seen true beauty. I will live out the rest of my life in complete misery because I'll never feel the same way I felt on one day of my life. Not even a day. Maybe it was the best day of my life. Maybe it was the worst. Maybe it was the beginning of the end. Or the end of the beginning. Why am I so enlightened with this knowledge? Because I am only 16 years old and I have experienced life. I have seen everything I needed to see in my lifetime plus more so nothing else really matters. Friends have disappeared, guys have faded away, work is stress, school is difficult, drugs are bad, fun is gone. My philosophy now is that you have to sleep in the clouds before you can awake on the ground. .................................................................. /\_/\ * ( o.o ) (c) Anada e'zine anada348 by AphexTwin23 o > ^ < o ********************************************************************