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    '   anada                     "Slowfall?"                    18 jan  '
   '     264                      by Michael                      2001    '
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        “to build a giant castle, and then he’d sign his name.”  that castle
 dream from that moby song is nearly perfect.  oh to have a dream like that.
 wouldn’t sign my name though.  to accomplish something as such and not take
 credit.  probably perfection.  sick of striving for perfection though
 anyway.  why?  failure imminent or supposed failure.  never seem to get
 there though, but also never seem to accomplish set goals.  always so far
 away.  “so faraway.”  and even when one happens, what then?  “i wouldn’t
 mind if you took it all away today, i wouldn’t even miss the pain.”  would
 the failure or accomplishment be apparent?  or would newer failures and
 accomplishments loom?  and “who knows, who cares and who’ll remember
 anyway?”  other than me of course.  and i look around at everyone else.
 what struggles do they choose or not choose?  are they on or off path.
 quite a few seem to have it together.  but on the outside so do i, i guess.
 no one knows the secrets and lies.  or what lies beneath.  or any other
 movie cliches i could steal.  one more: falling down.  really bad when your
 life can be summed up by a movie title, or a song even.  “i need somebody to
 shove me.”  or “i’m afraid of the dark without you close to me.” 

        but back to falling down.  “the weight of the world on your
 shoulders” is tough sometimes.  will never be able to share that weight with
 anyone.  too alone, self-important, independent to let anyone in.  “i was
 sad enough last saturday.  i woke you to talk but i didn’t have much to
 say.”  so much of not much to say.  and yet another interrogative statement.
 why?  control, i guess.  must be in control at all times.  easy to keep
 accomplishments and failures impending.  can control that.  probably too
 scared of the consequences or new circumstances if either actualized.  what
 then?  world disorder.  oh disorder.  “she thinks she missed the train to
 mars.”  keep changing majors to keep order.  makes sense, right.  “stay in
 elementary school as long as you can.”  or “go to the room with a chair and
 wait for your life.”  wait for it to happen.  outlook on everything.  and
 why not wait?  forget rushing things.  don’t wanna look back and say: “life
 goes on even after the thrill of living is gone.”  or “i’m tired of being
 alive.  spite of the bleeding...”  but then again don’t want to say: “it’s
 strange how we’re selling our time and we wait.  we’re all lost in a clever
 game running from our lives.”

        in dire need of an intervention.  funny how when intervention
 mentioned, god comes to mind.  guess i’d try a divine intervention.  never
 devout.  couldn’t be  “the priest in the booth had a photographic memory for
 all he had heard.  he took all of my sins and wrote a pocket novel called
 the state that i am in.”  to have or find that extreme faith seems to always
 gives hope, ambition, and direction, (at least for a little while) but i
 don’t think my direction would be allowed or allotted.  as if they have a
 short list of directions you can go and that’s it; they seem to semi-control
 direction.  “oh god stop tearing down my experimental bathroom; it’s the
 only thing that’s halfway mine.”  i think i’m perfectly unhappy enough
 controlling things myself at this time.  so, strike one.

        in the spring time all the animals thoughts turn to love.  “there are
 really no words strong enough to describe all my longings for love.”  well
 animal's thoughts are for more like mating than love, but love sounds so
 much better doesn’t it.  and more like instincts than thoughts.  and again
 why?  love; man’s creation.  excuse for so many things.  not just
 procreation.  well, actually procreation’s not an excuse.  biology.
 actually too many to go into except the main one.  excuse not to be alone.
 but as forementioned.  to alone to let anyone in so no hope there.  strike
 two.

        and usually three strikes in baseball.  but control is in my corner.
 and i’m not ready for strike three at this time.  because that would
 constitute a failure i think.  thoughts on that forementioned.  “and you
 can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming or the moment of truth in your
 life.”

        creditto:mobysocialdmineralpweisoulasylumbuilttospillhouseofpain
 promiseringhumjetstobrazilsunnydaydanzigsdrebellandsebastianjtbscorpionsggd
 
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 `   anada264   by Michael                          (c) 2001 anada e'zine   `