`````````````+++````````````````````+````````````````` `````````````+```+```````````````````+`````````````````` '''''''''''''+''''+''+++''''+++''''++++'''+++''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''+'++++''+''+''+'''+''+'''+''+'''+''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''+'''''+'''''++'+++'++'+++'++'+++'+''''''''''''' ||||||||||||||||+||||||+|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| |||||||||||||||||+||||||||||||||||||||||||anada.net||||||||||||||| ' ' ' anada "Some Things I've Just Never Liked" 13 jan ' ' 260 by Phairgirl 2001 ' ` ` ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I don't like to run around saying that the whole world is a conspiracy or any of that nonsense. I'm not into talking out of my ass and sounding like a silly Oliver Stone type that can't get a grasp on reality and let the past GO. But... you have to wonder sometimes about all of that conspiracy nonsense that comes and goes, time after time. I do honestly think that SOME things I've seen and what not can't possibly exist and happen the way they do because of grand coincidence. Someone's trying to mess up my life, and yours, too. I'm not sure why -- I'm still trying to figure that one out myself -- but some of the things we accept as normal, regular, or simply in that category of "irritating" just aren't right. I'm not talking about sporadic that-dog-hates-me-and-intentionally- poops-on-my-lawn-every-day kinda thing. I'm talking about grand schemes that affect everyone as a whole. They're not really all that big of a deal when it comes right down to it, but there are some things I've just never liked. 1. Cassette leader tape and pauses long enough for a whole nother song: I've always considered leader tape to be the most irritating thing in the entire known universe, as it has always caused me as a child to have to try re-taping things a thousand times until I caught the whole song on the black/brown part of the tape. That always involved taking the tape out and winding it with your finger. Joy. But that's not all with this cassette thing. Did you ever notice that one side of a tape is ALWAYS longer than the other? Sometimes by a LOT? Hell, sometimes they even printed right on the tape that one side is longer than the other to "preserve continuity." Yeah, whatever. Not only does that not make sense or anything, but I don't believe it. It's the record company's way of making us pay more by including way too much cassette tape. Find your band and make them record another song, dammit. 2. The Windows start-up screen: I've heard many a time that this screen stays up longer than it needs to stay up for no reason other than for Bill Gates to be a prick and to make our computers take even LONGER to boot up. My computer already takes six years to boot up, and it's only a year old. I even did that trick where you can supposedly lose the bonus time that the screen stays up, and I swear it made no difference. What's going on behind that screen? I'd rather see shit scrolling by and know that my computer was actually DOING SOMETHING than see the dumb Windows start-up screen. Note; the start-up screen actually bothered me so much that I replaced it. Some people do that to be cute and amusing. I did it so that I didn't throw a hammer through my monitor. 3. Candy like Runts, Skittles, and others that always have to include a flavor that tastes like a butt and have more of them than any other flavor: This really pisses me off. After Halloween this year, we had a lot of extra Bottle Caps candy. I would open 6 packages at a time, hoping for the elusive Cherry bottle cap. Wouldn't you know it. Each package has 6 caps, so that's 36 caps total, right? Then WHY would 12 of them be fucking COLA, and 10 of them be ROOT BEER, 7 of them be GRAPE, 4 of them be ORANGE and THREE CHERRY? Orange tastes better than grape, and grape is only somewhat edible, but the others are completely nasty... except for cherry. Cherry is the only one with any semblance of flavor. And those bastards gypped me every time. Just like the overabundance of grape Skittles (and lack of lime and cherry) and the plethora of banana runts (but where are all the lime and cherry there? We get FOUR? Fuck you, runts). 4. Good radio stations that feel the need to put your most hated song in heavy rotation: I know for a fact that stations do this just to piss me off. I live in Iowa. We have about ten radio stations total (which is a lot more than some of our neighboring towns) and so my options are limited between country, oldies, soft rock, top 40, big band, talk, and classic rock. I opt for the classic rock stations so that I don't have to listen to the Backstreet Boys or Mariah Carey. However, that doesn't guarantee that I'll be free of my FIVE MOST HATED SONGS OF ALL TIME. Well, it guarantees me free of "All By Myself," but not of "Katmandu," the second worst song ever made. And lately, my favorite classic rock station has had the habit of playing that awful song every time I want to sleep -- and it wakes me up every morning. Why do they do this to me? If I complained to them, I bet they'd replace it with "Ramblin' Man," and oh christ... it only gets worse from here. Why not put more DIRE STRAITS and KISS into rotation while you're at it? Cuz you know, I just am not COMPLETELY sick of their music yet. 5. All that sticker tape on CDs and DVDs: Yesterday, I bought The Big Lebowski on DVD (kick ass). However, in order to get it open, I had to first unwrap the plastic covering. Then, I had to remove the sticker across the top of the case with the title on it. Then, I had to remove the sticker across the SIDE of the case that said "Security Device Enclosed," and THEN I had to remove ANOTHER sticker across the BOTTOM of the case which said the same thing that the one on the SIDE did. Only then could I get to my precious Dude. Bastards. Of course, though, it don't matter to Jesus. I understand "theft deterrency" and all that good jazz. But come on! Even in my worst days of shoplifting Back In The Day, sticker tape didn't stop me. Sure, it slowed me down, but nobody keeps track of how long you're in the fitting rooms. Someone out there just doesn't want us to watch these movies or to listen to this music. Do they put theft deterrents like that on the hits of ANNE MURRAY?? BEETHOVEN?? RICHARD SIMMONS VIDEOS?? Maybe some, but none so severe as the mangled mess I had to peel away to get to American Pie. It just isn't right. 6. No COOTIE: This Christmas, all I wanted was the game Cootie. It was my favorite game when I was about four. It ruled: you roll dice and according to what you roll, you get to put parts on your cootie. You win when you have a whole cootie, right? Well for crying out loud, this year some BASTARDS decided to market ELECTRONIC COOTIE. I'm not going to pretend that I know what that is or what it does. All I know is that it's electronic, which means there will be no putting together or taking apart of bug pieces (unless this is a game designed for budding electrical engineers). They fucked up Cootie, folks. I didn't get to get Cootie for Christmas. Why? Because the original game was selling for $7 last year, but ELECTRONIC COOTIE sells for $30. Those fuckers. They messed up my Christmas just for an extra few bucks. It's not the same game. It makes me want to cry. And they only did it when I decided I wanted it. Also in this vein is Ms. Potato Head, which I DID get for Christmas this year. Her eyes are stuck together. Mr. Potato Head's eyes used to be nice and small and swallowable. Not to mention the greatest travesty of all time, when Fisher Price decided to make Little People BIG. They used to be all tiny and cute and fit on my fingers, and I would suck on their heads. All of my Little People had teethmarks on their heads. That's how I could distinguish they were MINE. Now, fuck, you couldn't get them in your mouth if you were a kindergarten blowjob queen. (Okay, maybe that was a bit over the line, but I'm getting really pissed off here.) SCREW CHILD SAFETY. I don't believe it for a minute. Did I die? No. Sure, one or two kids did, maybe. Fuck them, it's nature's way of weeding out the weak. Little People were a lot more fun when they fit inside the mooing barn. What supreme asshole took this away from the children of today? Who is out to ruin the children of America? SPEAK UP, MAN, SO I CAN LYNCH YOU. I don't know what else to say. Someone out there is slowly ruining my life. They're ruining EVERYONE'S lives. It makes me cry to remember all of my sharp-edged toys, CDs in longboxes, blank tapes from the early '80s with no leader tape at all (my dad had them, they do exist), the quick- booting Apple IIc, and everything else that has since been ruined in this world. And it's only going to get worse, you do realize this. This is only the beginning. Tomorrow I'm gonna go buy The Basketball Diaries on DVD and the package won't fit in the shopping cart. Kids' toys will be the same size as the kids with no removable parts. You will be able to buy bags of banana-only Runts. Good radio stations will have FOGHAT weekends. Sob. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| ' ' ` anada260 by Phairgirl (c) 2001 anada e'zine `