AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 0 7 - 1 5 - 0 0 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I S S U E # 1 0 0 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "We're All Dead" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH by the aNAda Staff AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH H H HHHH H AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H H H H H H H H H AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H HH H H H H H H H H www.anada.net A H A H AHHH A H www.anada.net AHHHHHHH Sabazio HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH by Jason HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Sabazio passed away some time in the night of July 13, 2000. He was found crushed to death by a 50-inch TV. Although his immediate relatives had no knowledge of him owning such a large television and there were signs of a struggle, police have ruled out the possibility of foul play. "Our masters have told us not to comment," Detective John Smith said in his characteristic monotone. Neighbors reported no suspicious noises, except that the television seemed to be turned to an exceptionally loud volume. "He was such a nice young man," said neighbor Mary Smith flatly, before returning to her daily television watching. Sabazio's life was one of complete adequacy. He is not known to have killed anyone famous nor has he won any prestigious prizes. His intelligence has been described as "perfectly acceptable" although his fashion sense is widely considered by scholars to be mediocre at best. He was a devoted practitioner of bipedalism and spoke English. There have been rumors linking him to the Gay Communist Alien Gun Club, but those turned out to be false. Almost every morning since he was young, he got out of bed. He was also known to eat food several times a day. The story of his life, "The Pamphlet of Sabazio" will be available in your local library in the same room as the Beta tapes. Sabazio is survived by a soiled pair of pants and a nice shirt. Services were yesterday. A smelly homeless man attended. AHHHHHHH Jphish HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH by Phairgirl HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A town is in shock. Jphish, also known as the only male member of the gang known as the "Radioactive Lesbian Nazi Hookers," was found dead today, apparently the victim of bludgeoning with a bag of fertilizer. Sources indicate that Jphish, at the tender age of 20, had resumed his former job at Wendy's Old-Fashioned Hamburgers, after taking much time away to continue with his schooling and taking a much better job at Lowe's. He was well-liked at both places of employment, never posed any problems, and always greeted his customers with a smile. "Jphish was one of the funniest, most friendly people I've ever worked with," noted one of the workers, who requested his name not be given for fear that the aliens would probe him again. Cap'n Poopy Pants also felt the pain. "I don't know, I hardly see the guy anymore," he said as he concentrated on his new Kirby 64 game. His ex-girlfriends Suzanne and Erica were unavailable for comment, as they were sucking dick. However, Phairgirl was found at her home, violently shuffling through a pile of Lucky Charms cereal dumped on the floor of her kitchen on her hands and knees. "Damn that secret satanic order," she mumbled. "Now that he's gone, I'll NEVER know how to utilize Lucky Charms' aphrodesiac power! DAMN HIM!" Circumstances surrounding the death were bizarre at best. Apparently, a woman identified only as the Double Stack Lady, had ambled into Wendy's one Friday morning. She had discovered that Jphish was working there once again and had some issues with some fertilizer she had purchased at Lowe's the week before. Nobody witnessed the incident, but Jphish was last seen alive going outside to talk to the Double Stack Lady about her fertilizer problems. He was later found dead in Wendy's parking lot, heavily bruised and bleeding from the ears with fertilizer scattered about. The Double Stack Lady has yet to be brought to justice, as her home in Dyersville, Iowa, has not just a wooden fence but ALSO a chain link fence, and police are still puzzled as to how to penetrate the compound. Services will be held on Monday at the funeral home that is next door to the apartment where Phairgirl was conceived. AHHHHHHH Devon HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH by Effy HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Author's Note: The DEATH ISSUE of aNAda is purely ficticious. However, this segment may be frighteningly accurate to circumstances in real life. The reason for this is that this is probably a true story. In his short, yet vaguely memorable time as an aNAda staff member, Devon brought the rest of us staff members to a new level of awareness. He showed us a new kind of blunt, political persuasion, using harshly cliched phrases of profanity to nail his points home. Too bad he is dead, and it was *WE* who killed him. In his self-delusional king of the ranters state, he managed to crank out one file since aNAda came out of the womb, obviously not realizing his purpose was to produce, and reproduce. It is probably more fortunate, however, that we killed him, because the text file scene has enough whining wet blankets that are difficult enough to torch out of our existence as it is. Perhaps you consider it genocide that we killed off one of our own. You're forgetting something important--the inner, primal drive of real text file writers. Survival of the fittest. We kill the wussy pussies, and we grow and get stronger as a result of it. We revel in the ashes of pathetic one-timers and incompetent ranters. Devon is not a victim. He has played his part out in aNAda, and will continue to serve his purpose in death. It is most likely that Devon was suicidal. The following quotes, hand-picked from his sole aNAda release, "The Happiest Canadian Who Loves Everyone," demonstrate his classic angst: --"Fuck that." --"Go fuck yourselves." --"You don't have a reason to complain." --"If you feel differently, FUCK OFF ASSHOLE." --"It's people like you that help make the world as shitty as it is by your whining and bitching." --"Wake the fuck up." --"You type of people make me sick." --"It's all bullshit." Now, if any of the readers out there DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY DEVON *HAD* TO DIE, you best stop reading now, or we'll be tracking you down and tacking your obituary up on the next release. Stupidity is not going to get aNAda anywhere. Nor is simply kicking out the staff that scars us. The only way to justify *ANY* lame releases is to *KILL OFF* the source of it. Then aNAda remains clean, polished, and unscathed, and will continue its march to the top of the text file scene, trampling everyone and everything in its path. With all that said, and this being an obituary and all, I suppose that it's only appropriate to throw in a bit of the conventional element and explain how Devon met his destined end. The staff of aNAda gang raped him, dropped him via helicopter into a racing herd of mad cows, then proceeded to chain him to a tree and poke him incessantly with wooden chopsticks. Thus, it was not us that he should be bitter to about dying, but the essence and the tools of the world that he so passionately hated. AHHHHHHHH Mutter HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHH by Alek HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "MUTTER was born in St. Paul Minnesota, in 1896, attended Princeton University, and published his first novel, This Side of Paradise, in 1920. That same year he married Zelda Sayre and the couple divided their time between New York, Paris, and the Riviera, becoming part of the American expatriate circle that included Gertrude Stein, Ernest Hemingway, and John Dos Passos. Mutter was a major new literary voice, and his masterpieces include The Beautiful and the Damned, The Great Gatsby, and Tender Is the Night. He died of a heart attack in 1940 at the age for fourty-four, while working on The Love of the Last Tycoon. For his sharp social insight and breathtaking lyricism, Mutter stands out as one of the most important American writers of the twentieth century." AHHHHHHH Seaya HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH by TanAdept HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Assistant editor, Leah Marcus, of Dragon Magazine was a great contributor to the publishing industry, with distinguished writing and proofing efforts both in print and online. Ms. Marcus, 28, of Brooklyn, passed away April 27 at Our Lady of Placebo hospital following being brutally stabbed by an unnamed Manhattan mugger. Ms. Marcus was known in the electronic community as Seaya, spirit, or Miss Modular, and contributed to e-zines including HOE, aNAda, 251, and Alamar. Her online career was not without its challenges, however. Her biting wit and unwillingness to back down in the face of argument was sometimes met with hostility by her colleagues. Despite this occasional conflict, many members of online fora, including Obloid Sphere (utrp://obloidsphere.web.neb:427/boar) regular, Neo-//\/\\age, had glowing things to say about her. Neo-//\/\\age, writer for SPLOTCH and <> said, "[Leah] was cool and stuff. She helped me a lot when I was getting started. She taught me about how I should be nonviolent and that I should burn men because they have too many corneas. Once, I watched _Sex With Cat People_ with her." He also added, "I like walking on pillows." Ms. Marcus' education came from Georgetown University, where she graduated with a BA. After leaving school, she became involved with the print publishing industry at Annalog Magazine and Asimov Magazine. From there, she worked her way up to higher positions, and eventually accepted a position with TSR/Hasbro/WotC/AOL/Amazon's Dragon Magazine. "She was the kind of person who liked petting cats," said Bulbasaur, writer for Lamprey Days. "She thought nothing of hopping a fence onto the highway, knocking on car or truck windows and asking how a family or trucker was enjoying Route 251." Ms. Marcus is survived by her cat, Annatwo. A memorial service for friends and admirers is planned for 2:51 pm on Saturday at the V.F.W. hall, 503 Sheryl Lane, Queens. AHHHHHHH Uberfizzgig HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH by Jason HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Today the religious leader known as the Most Holy and Blessed Uberfizzgig "shrugged off his mortal coils to rejoin his Heavenly Family" as quoted by one of his worshippers, the Grand Fizz. The enigmatic Uberfizzgig arose to prominence as head of the cult called the "Fizz." Although the tenets of Fizzian philosophy are unknown to outsiders, the adherents followed him with blind fanaticism. Estimates of the number of members in his cult range into the low teens, and his influence reaches as far as fifteen feet from him. Many have vowed not to eat or sleep until Uberfizzgig returns to Earth to reign as supreme ruler and burn the infidels. His worshippers have stated that they will not leave the presence of his body until he returns to life. They have claimed that his resurrection is an inevitable certainty, since his life and even death precisely match prophecy. He was reported to have died by tripping over a small dog and consequently choking on his burrito. AHHHHHHH Phairgirl and Effy HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH by Effy HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "HEADLINE! MURDER! PHAIRGIRL KILLED! DESPERATE SHOOTING! DUBUQUE HILL!" It all started when Phairgirl won the lottery! Then she bought 3,579,251,5049 rolls of duct tape and a team of FBI-trained dogs! Then she hunted down Kevin Moore!!#@@#! She found him in the shade of a road sign in New Mexico, and duct taped him to her back, naturally. "I had no idea what happened at first. I was on a beach twenty yards from the road side at six AM. I saw my perpetrator coming towards me with duct tape, and I was more confused than scared. Then I saw the look on her face, and dialed 911 on my cell phone, but realized the number had been changed to 3, but by then it was too late and she had hit me over the head with my Kurzweil 2000," said Kevin Moore. Then Phairgirl took him back to Dubuque, and made him be her friend! And what great friends they were!!! They wore matching space dye vests and ate Doritos together! The whole time though, Kevin Moore remained duct taped to Phairgirl's back! They slept, breathed, bathed, ate, listened to music, and chatted on irc together! Well, Phairgirl's other friend, Effy, didn't like that much! Effy was jealous, insanely jealous!!@#!@! This excerpt was found in Effy's journal: "I am sooooo jealous. "I wanted Kevin Moore for myself, but I was afraid if I duct taped him to my back, I would develop a hunch! I should have known that it was worth it! Phairgirl knows it is worth a hunch if she gets one! I'm so pissed because she is smarter than I am! So I have to kill her and steal Kevin Moore... I HAVE TO!!! She would do the same to me, I know it!" Effy followed Phairgirl and Kevin secretly one day to Dubuque Hill, where they were having a picnic. She had taken a shotgun out of the trunk of her car. Phairgirl and Kevin were feeding Doritos to a fucking mouse! Effy jumped out of the bushes and fired the shotgun insanely. The bullets missed Phairgirl and hit Kevin, but they bounced off the countless layers of duct tape covering his body, and he remained unscathed. However, they loosened the grip of the tape, and he was able to pry himself off Phairgirl's back. He walked up to Effy and stood before her. Effy froze, dumbfounded, amazed, and entranced by his presence. He took the shotgun from her. He then capped her and Phairgirl. "Fuckin' stalkers... at least I got home for the late show," Kevin remarked afterwards. AHHHHHHH Alek HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH by Seaya HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Nathan J. "Alek" Silva (July 2, 1980 - July 2, 2000) -----------------------------------------------<---@ Nathan James Silva, known to friends as "Alek," died on his 20th birthday on the mean streets of New Bedford, MA. He was chewing gum and walking along when a cat ran between his legs and tripped him over causing him to fall into a mud puddle and choke on the piece of gum. It is said in the Bible that righteous people die on their birthday. Unfortunately, logic dictates that just because A->B doesn't mean that B->A. This means that the Universe dealt Alek a meaningless freak accident that took his life on his 20th birthday in his home town. Alek leaves behind a working class New Bedford family, 3 computers, a jump rope, and a greasy stain. AHHHHHHH TanAdept HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH by Anna, as told to Oregano HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Meow. Hi, I am Anna. Meow. When I say "meow" that means "hi." Meow = hi. Meow. I am a cat. G0ff's cat. You people called him TanAdept or any of a thousand different Pokemon or other Japanese names, to me he is G0ff. Anyway... Phairgirl asked me to talk a little and I will. I should note first off that I am orange. I am the color of cheese. Good cheese. Yummy cheese. I am prettier than cheese. mmmmmcheese. I do like cheese. I am well behaved, I have never bitten Colleen, though she deserves it, no matter how many times people rub my fur the wrong way. Pardon me, I need to lick myself. Mmmm *lick* clean, yes, clean fur *lick* *lick*. Just a little more then I can continue. Yes, hold on, *lick* *lick*, yes, that is better, I am ready. Oregano, turn on the tape machine. It is on already? Okay I'll keep talking. Meow. Where was I? Ahh, yes, Phairgirl asked me to tell you how TanAdept died. How G0ff died. I'll call him G0ff, call him TanAdept in your head, you never knew him. No, not you, oregano, I know you knew him, I mean the reader, silly reader. You could be scratching a post right now instead of reading, silly. Anyway I am Anna and I am orange and I am a cat. G0ff was acting a little weird. Which for him means he was acting normal. Normal for G0ff seems weird to most people and weird to G0ff seems normal to most people. He was acting weird. He cut his hair. He always had long hair but he cut his hair. Even weirder is he had his new, shorter hair styled, like regular people do, only this was G0ff. He even used hair gel to keep it all in place! He started to wear business suits. He runs a giant computer, he is in charge of keeping the giant computer alive, that is his job and no one at work wears a suit, and they pretty much expect G0ff to wear torn jeans and a t-shirt and here G0ff started to wear suits! But not just his appearance changed, no, he started to watch TV. Not just Pokemon and Iron Chef. He started to watch Everyone Loves Raymond and Judging Amy and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Something was too wrong! My G0ff, what happened? And then I found out, but hold on a second. Let me go use the sandbox. Hold right there, don't come any closer. Let me go in private. AHhhhhhh. *scratch* *snuffle* *churrn* all covered up. Yes. Nice and neat. Ahh, all clean. Okay, where was I? I heard G0ff on the phone and it was with a female and when he got off I realized it was not just any girl, it was the rarest of rare species... a Hot Chick! G0ff was all change-y for a Hot Chick. Now G0ff always talked about Hot Chicks, but it was all talk and then one day he brings her home and she is really pretty, like from the cover of Vogue. Not even Cosmo pretty, no, no, she was Vogue pretty. She was a Hot Chick. Our first meeting went bad. She did not like cats. She really hated cats. She double, extra, really, top-of-the-barrel disliked, despised, did not like cats. G0ff thought it was a phase, that she would grow to love me, she would learn to like me. I was 14, at the time, I could have been her mother, in cat years. But she really did not like me. But Hot Chicks are crafty and instead of saying she did not like me to G0ff, she planned little things to make him not want me around. G0ff was allergic to me already, but he still kept me around, but the Hot Chick got extra dander from other cats, more allergy-producing cats and put it around the apartment and told G0ff he must be getting allergic-er to me, Anna, a cat. Then she chewed up G0ff's Pokemon cards herself. She got on her knees and chewed and chewed his entire collection of Pokemon cards and then blamed me. "See what your cat has done?" You were going to sell those cards for a downpayment on a diamond necklace for me and now Anna has gone and ruined them all. I don't see why you keep her around." G0ff was really mad at me and he even raised his voice and I could tell he was too far into the spell of the Hot Chick. She did other things too, like scratch the furniture and bring in cat poop to put under G0ff's pillow. And finally G0ff had had enough and he declared, "Maybe it is time i did something about Anna." And the Hot Chick agreed and they decided that I would be sent to kitty heaven. I could see G0ff did not care for me anymore. And he was too angry; so I did only what I had to do. I have nine lives, and G0ff only has one, so I did what any kittie would do when threatened with death. Let me pause here since I need some water. Let me saunter off towards the bowl while you stay there, I'll just go at my leisure, just wait for me, as I know you'll have to do. *slurp* mm, tasty water. *slurp* *slurp* ahh. Okay, let me saunter back. Slowly, slowly. Now here is how I killed G0ff to save my own life. The actual death was not so spectacular as what lead up to it, but since I am pretty much afraid of water, at least to swim in, it shows my bravery and how I got away wth it. G0ff was talking a bubble bath, he loved to play with the bubbles in the tub after a long week of keeping a giant computer running and ship- shape. And it was simple, I jumped up on the side of the tub and I looked G0ff in the eyes, and gave him my evil cat stare -- all cats know how to do that -- then I jumped on his shoulders and held him underwater till he could breathe no more and then I jumped back up, I was all wet and uncomfy, but I dried and licked myself clean. Just try to prove it, see what court would convict a cute little kitten like me. I was sent away to Iowa to live with Ami, Taylor, Matilda and Mia in Phairgirl's home, it was all set in the will. And poor G0ff, I'll remember him well, except for those last few months when the Hot Chick stole his heart. Never try to outwit a cat. AHHHHHHH Big Daddy Bill HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH by Big Daddy Bill HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sorry, I refuse to participate in any cliche, half-assed idea that some lame, half-assed person can come up with. when something intelligent is thought of, gimmie a ring. :0) AHHHHHHH Jason HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH by Phairgirl HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH One of the newer, yet more prolific aNAda writers, Jason, was killed early Saturday by a giant stack of hate mail. Jason, brought to the aNAda scene via a vicious dig through the Geocities SoHo neighborhood by Phairgirl, had only recently begun to unleash his endless ranting upon the world when the backlash he had been ignoring finally came to crush him in one final blow. It was monstrocities such as these that did him in: From: Bob [bobl@giantsfan.com] Sent: Sunday, July 09, 2000 10:52 PM To: anada@anada.net Subject: issue #095 ahem... Issue 95 has a passage reading as follows. It is fatally flawed. I will demonstrate why. "the average kilowatt hour (kWh) consumed creates 1.4 lbs. of carbon dioxide in burned fossil fuels. According to http://drivingthefuture.com/97pct.html the writer's car uses about 4 miles per kWh. What's that add up to? Over one and a half pounds of carbon dioxide per mile!" First of all, the link given is incorrect, it's .htm not .html. Using .html just routs one to the main site. Secondly, at http://drvingthefuture.com/97pct.htm, the following is stated "My EV 'mileage' of 4 miles/kW-hr, referenced to the AC socket, is for the EV1, and may be optimistic for larger EVs" It seems that a car gets 4 miles per kWh. Jason's analysis is dependant on a car using 4 kWh per mile. A 16-fold difference. This utterly destroys his analysis, as it means that an EV would produce roughly 1/10 lb of CO2 per mile, not 15/10 as he states. But it really doesn't matter because like it or not we're not going to have power plants using gas in 50 years as gas will be as costly as gold. Natural gas, perhaps, which is quite clean, but not liquid petroleum (with the exception, perhaps, of liquefied natural gas). respectfully, Bob From: jamie prewitt [j.a.prewitt@worldnet.att.net] Sent: Sunday, June 04, 2000 1:26 AM To: anada@anada.net Subject: to jasonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn to jason , so you are a genius ... it dont matter to jesus ,,,,,,,,,,, if it came down to life and death ,would your genius save you ??????????? what if i was physically stronger and belted you in the melon 10 times and then fucked you in the ass???? what would you do???? read a book and translate the meaning to a real genius , you see son ,you have never seen one............... In fact, one of the last things heard from Jason was after he heard about the aNAda voicemail message left in his honor: "OMIGOD!! POSITIVE FEEDBACK! I need to get something to drink to calm my nerves." Jason may be dead, but he still has approximately 2,515,049 files in queue, and memories of him will live on. AHHHHHHH Oregano HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH by Effy HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Friday, July 7th, 2000--The tragic death of a local Anada 'zine writer has left us shocked, greatly disturbed, and scrounging for answers. Oregano was found dead and rotting early this morning outside a local delicatessen. It appears that he had allegedly choked to death on a bread-like substance. Investigators are making the current assumption that he had choked on an egg bagel, due to the freshly opened bakery bag lying in his cold, limp hand. There were no apparent signs of foul play, but police have not yet ruled that out as an option. "It is possible that somebody, quite possibly a baker, had slipped extra eggs into the batter, thus creating a much stickier bagel; the intention of the baker being to cause somebody (Oregano quite possibly the prime target) to choke on the bagel," said an investigator currently on the case. "Everyone knows how much Oregano loved egg bagels. He could eat one faster than anyone anybody knew. It is quite likely that if foul play was involved in this tragedy, Oregano was the sole target. I only wish we knew why." "Oregano would NEVER choke on a bagel," said a close, anonymous friend. "We have been having bagel eating contests for YEARS. He could down a baker's dozen in half a minute without anything to wash it down with!" This comment furthers the police department's suspicion that someone was out to "get" Oregano. Authorities will be questioning other local 'zine writers as well. Oregano had no known enemies, but it is possible that a jealous 'zine writer had planted the excess egg product in the bagels in a fit of envious rage due to Oregano's uniquely delightful writing style. Oregano is survived by the following text files: "Jessie and the Bunny"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0567.txt "The Night I Killed Eilien"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0594.txt "The Picnic Channel"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0616.txt "The Death Of Mogel"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0662.txt "The Final Class Project"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0720.txt "Switching Gears"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0830.txt "Maining Trip"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0880.txt "Champaign Revisited"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0910.txt "Oldschool Christmas Anarchy"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-1012.txt "Calling God"-http://www.anada.net/text/anada018.txt "Brainstorming"-http://www.anada.net/text/anada076.txt "blah blah Math blah blah blah" -http://www.anada.net/text/anada086.txt Funeral services are currently postponed due to the shock and confusion of family and friends. However, here are some kind words about Oregano from friends: "He was good to talk with, and always greeting people. Now we must say goodbye." --Kaia "Oregano always managed to be a pleasant presence, though I hope in death he discovers that Jupiter indeed does have more than four moons and that Kansas City is a public transportation void." --Soybean "I hope he can get Satan's name right when he burning in hell." --Bosplaya "Oregano was a simple man. I will miss him. Fart." --Mogel "Ohhh... How deliciously shocking! How gently disturbing!" --SnuffyXI "I always liked Oregano, but I like cheeseburgers and cherry coke much better." --Alek "So much for the garlic bread cookbook." --Lach "I'll never forget how passionate he was about food." --Basehead "Oregano was a good friend. A good, big friend. He protected me against mean men with phones coming out of their asses." --Jamesy "Well, at least he died. But hey, check it; we got IRC logs. He'll live on forever in the logs of a half dead channel." --Kaotik "I never shipped his aNAda CD before he was gone... this package will haunt me forever. DAMN ME AND MY LAZINESS, DAMN ME TO HELL." --Phairgirl "This fatal tragedy will be talked about for years." --James LaBrie "That is very sad. I ate at McDonalds with him during Bagfest '97." --SwissPope "I am very sad. I better go to McDonalds and get a milkshake." --Aster "And with him, dies the last person to have attended every Bagfest." --TanAdept "Who is Oregano?" --Laja AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A (c)2000 aNAda e'zine HHHHH aNAda100 HHHHH by the aNAda Staff H AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH